Unknown

Once I when I went on this biking trip with my brother and dad, we had to go through this really, really long tunnel (about 1.5 km - that's a really long walk in the dark). There were rumours going around that some of the beams in the tunnel were unstable, which really freaked me out. It was okay for about the first 100 metres as there was still light from behind, but then there were turns and I could just feel the air become staler and colder and the walls shrinking about me. We had little LED lamps, yet they really didn't do anything against the darkness. If my dad wasn't there to tell me to remember to keep breathing I probably would have tried to hold my breath the entire time as I expected the ceiling to cave in any second.

As you can probably guess this is how I feel - trapped, hoping that I'm heading in the right direction and scared ____less of what is going to happen next or that the roof is going to cave in. Afraid of the unknown.

I feel like I'm in the middle of that tunnel, or maybe I'm just after the first turn, when the lights really disappear. I don't know... I guess as the Third Day song goes "There's a light at the end of the tunnel for you" you just have to have faith. Which I feel like I have absolutely none of. I just feel like me being a christian is the epitomy of hyprocrisy. I don't go to church as I work on Sundays mostly... I try to read the bible, but suck at it (same goes with praying), I'm uncomfortable and/or only do things because I feel that "I have to." And some things are just so bloody confusing - it all just seems like a double faced beast of some sort. maybe I'm just like Herod that I enjoy listening to such things, but when the time comes, I probably wouldn't stand up for what is right.

I want to move forward (or at least in some direction other than down) yet I'm stuck in a rut. Or to quote Eowyn, "I stand upon some dreadful brink, and it is utterly dark in the abyss before my feet, but whether there is any light behind me I cannot tell. For I cannot turn yet. I wait for some stroke of doom." Maybe someday I will also be like her and say: " I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun and behold! the Shadow has departed! " Even though I will not be on a Tower of the Sun, but maybe a tower of the Son. I don't know.

I am afraid of going to bed... I don't sleep well anyways. But I guess I should go anyways, to prevent sickness.